Nightwing Turns 21 & Robin Wants To Party
by Guano droppings
Summary: Warning! Vulgar Comedy! Dick Grayson is now 21 years old. Jason is hoping Dick will supply alcohol for a party. Dick agrees to throw a party, then all hell breaks loose. Chapter 2-4 "Home Alone:Damien" Newcomer Damien is left all alone on Christmas. He will need to fend off Joker and Penguin as they try to rob Wayne Manor. Chapter 5 "Tim Drake Rises" Tim figures out who Batman is.
1. Party at the Crib

**!Warning! This is a vulgar comedy about the Bat-family. If you don't like Deadpool comedy, you won't like this! Thanks for reading and enjoy!**

**6 AM**

Jason Todd entered Richard's room singing, "Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday dear Dick(head). Happy birthday to you. And a punch in the nuts to grow old on."

Dick Grayson grunted as Jason hit him in the nuts. "God damnit Jason! It's only 6am! You know I had a long night working with Bruce taking on the Riddler!"

"Yeah, I know dude! But it's your 21st birthday, and you know Bruce is planning on going out of town tonight to investigate a Joker sighting in Metropolis." Jason reminded Dick.

"Yeah ... So ... What do you want Jason?" Dick asked.

"I figured, since you are 21 and all, you might want to go buy some beer. You know, since you don't want me stealing it anymore." Jason replied.

"Get the hell out of my room!" Dick demanded. "You know damn well Bruce would kill me if I bought you booze. Shit! He would kill me if I bought some for myself."

"I know this, but he won't be here, and I was thinking we could invite a few of my friends over ... and yours ... to the guesthouse." Jason suggested. "We could just tell Alfred that you want to celebrate your birthday."

"Oh ... and you think that is going to fly. As soon as Bruce would find out, the power would get shut off. Plus, you know Bruce has cameras all over this place. He will probably be checking every five minutes." Dick stated.

"Actually, I will be creating a constant loop on the cameras. Trust me, he will never know." Jason said.

"Dude, NO! Now get the hell out of my room before I kick your ass out. I need sleep!" Dick said.

"FINE! DICK! I will leave you alone! But, will you at least think about it once you get some sleep?" Jason asked. "You don't always have to be a dick like Bruce."

Then Jason left the room, but he didn't shut the door. Dick could still hear him talking as Jason walked through the hall. "Just think about it Dick!"

Dick jumped out of bed, then slammed the door shut and locked it. He jumped back in bed and put a pillow over his ears in hopes that Jason wouldn't come back around.

**2 PM**

Later that day, as Bruce was preparing for his travels, he wished Dick a happy birthday. That was about it. Just, happy birthday Dick was all he said. Dick could have figured as much. But, then Bruce surprised Dick, when he threw him a set of keys, as he was starting up the Batmobile,

Dick looked down at the keys and said, "What are these? Do you need me to rearrange the garage again?" Dick jokingly asked.

With a serious face, Bruce replied, "That's exactly what I want you to do! Could you have it done soon. Thanks Dick!"

Dick just stood there, then threw his hands in the air as Bruce drove off.

"I swear! How did I live with that asshole for nearly 10 years." Dick stated. "Oh man! Is that what Jason say's about me. Maybe I should have a little shindig in the guesthouse. It would certainly serve Bruce right ... for being a big ol' stick in the mud."

Dick walked back into Wayne Manor yelling for Jason. He is suddenly startled when out of nowhere Alfred appears.

"Happy birthday Master Dick. I have prepared you your favorite meal, salad and low carb fettuccine, with a hint of basil." Alfred said.

"You know what? That is Bruce's favorite meal for me! How about you prepare me a big fat juicy steak! Extra mash potatoes." Richard demanded.

Alfred gave Dick a weird stare of disapproval, then said, "As you wish Master ... Dick."

Then, Dick remembered the cameras. "You know what Alfred, I was just joking! Birthday humor you know? I will gladly take the fettuccine, thank you."

**6 PM**

Dick walked up to Jason's room, he thought about knocking, instead he decided to barge right in the same way Jason would. "Yo! Jason!"

Jason was sitting there looking at porn on his laptop, while sipping on a beer. "Woe dude! You could've knocked! Shit!" Jason exclaimed.

"Wow! Bruce is gone for a few hours and you are already breaking his rules." Dick said.

"Oh ... So what? ... You gonna tell on me now? Jason asked.

"No ... I was actually going to say ... maybe we should have that party you was talking about." Dick replied.

Jason dropped his beer out of pure shock, then closed his laptop. "Sweet!" he said as he jumped out of his seat.

"Dude! Put that thing away!" Dick yelled once he noticed Jason was pitching a tent.

"Oh! My bad dude." Jason laughed.

"You might want to loop the cameras before I get back with the booze." Dick suggested.

"I already did! Ha ha!" Jason laughed.

"I should have known." Said Dick.

As Dick turned around to walk out of Jason's room, he was suddenly startled again. Alfred was standing there with a concerned look on his face. Dick wasn't sure how much of the conversation Alfred heard. Dick just continued to walk away hoping that Alfred wouldn't say anything.

Then Alfred looked into Jason's room and noticed what had been taking place. "Would you like me to bring you some lotion for that?, Master Jason."

Jason quickly covered up with a blanket. "Uh ... no thanks Alfred ... I've got my own." He said while holding some Johnson and Johnson in the air for proof.

"Perhaps some tissues?" Alfred asked.

"Nope! Got those also Alfred." Jason said while pointing to the box of Kleenex.

**9 PM**

Cars began pulling up to the Wayne guesthouse. Most of them seemed to be Jason's friends from high school. They looked like a bunch of punk rocker dudes and chicks as they entered the room. Jason walked out of the hallway, with two beers in his hand, and welcomed his guests. "What's up homies?" His guests looked around. They noticed all kinds of fun things to do. Jason had set up a beer pong table, a corn hole area, darts, pool tables, large screen tv's, video games, and a card table, which would surely be used to play strip poker.

Dick thought to himself, "I can't believe I am doing this. Bruce is going to kill me for throwing a party for a bunch of teenage punks. Oh well, maybe Bruce could have at least bought me a gift. So.. whatever."

Finally, some of Dick's friends showed up. They were mostly people he worked with like Superboy, Wonder Girl, and Jericho. He was hoping that Raven would show up. He kind of had a crush on her, but he would never tell Beast Boy that. But Beast Boy was also on assignment.

"Wow! I can't believe you were able to talk Bruce into letting you throw a party like this on your birthday!" Jericho said.

"Actually, he doesn't know. He is on assignment, if you know what I mean." Dick quietly hinted.

Dick started to notice that more and more cars were pulling up. He knew there was no way he was going to get away with this.

**11 PM**

Jason and his friends are plenty drunk. Dick went around collecting everyones car keys. Jason was making out with his third girl of the night and Dick hadn't seen a hide nor hair from Raven. Finally, he spotted her pulling into the driveway on her crotch rocket. He studies her as she got off the bike and took off her helmet.

She walked up to Dick, then put her helmet in Dick's hands. "I take it you know where to put that, Dick." Raven stated as she walked past heading for the guesthouse.

Dick said quietly to himself. "Yeah, I know where to put it."

"What was that Dick?" Raven asked as if she heard him mutter something.

"Oh nothing! I was just saying I am going to put your helmet up ... that's all." Dick replied while putting his head down and quickly walking away.

Dick was suddenly startled when, guess who was standing there, ... nope not Alfred ... Superboy. "Dude, I just heard that. You are so lame. You know Beast Boy ain't treating her right. He is probably out there doing God knows what, on ... you know ... "his assignment" ... you should bust a move. Maybe wait for her to have a few drinks. Like, maybe 20 ... Ha ha ha." Superboy laughed.

"Dude, shut up! I swear to God you better not say anything!" Dick stated.

"Chill bruh! Your secret is safe with me." Superboy replied.

They headed back inside. Jason had a couple drunk girls dancing on the pool table, while his friends were throwing dollars at them. Jason stood there with a stack of dollar bills trying to make it rain. The place was already trashed. Raven was standing over in the corner. Her eyes looked like she had been crying.

Dick walked over to her and said, "Is everything alright Rave?"

Raven looked at Dick with an angry face, but then her face turned sad. She gave Dick a hug, then held him for a few seconds. Dick just stood there at first, but then noticed Superboy making arm suggestions as if he was telling Dick to put his arms around her. After that, Dick wrapped his arms around her waist. He had been waiting for a moment like this for so long. His hands started making their way down to her bottom area. Suddenly, Raven felt something in her hip.

"Woe! Down boy! Somebody is happy to see me!" Raven stated.

Dick was embarrassed. He quickly pulled his phone out of his pocket, then said in a playful voice, "Sorry about that. My phone is bulky."

"Okay then ... I'm ready to get hammered. Where's the hard stuff?" Raven asked. Then she looked down at his pants and said, "And I don't mean that hard stuff."

**1 AM**

Everyone was drunk. Tables were tipped over. Jason and a couple of his friends were nowhere to be found. Dick had never been this drunk before. He walked outside looking for Jason. He didn't see him as he looked around. Suddenly, he noticed the garage door was open.

"Oh no! Please no, please tell me he didn't!" Dick said while walking towards the garage. "Bruce is going to kill me. No, first he is going to beat me within an inch of my life, then he is gonna kill me!"

The Lamborghini was missing. Suddenly Dick's cell phone rings. It's Bruce.

"Shit! ... Shit! Shit! Shit! Oh boy, what do I say?" Dick thought.

Finally, he answered the phone. "Hellurrr! How is everything going in Metropolis?" Dick asked.

"Is everything okay Dick? Your voice was a little slurred. You haven't been drinking because it's your 21st birthday... have you?" Bruce asked.

"No! No way! Are you kidding me? Me drink ... Ha ha." Dick said while laughing out loud.

"Good! You know I would beat you within an inch of your life, and then kill you if you did!" Bruce stated. "I take it you found the present that I left for you in the garage."

"Present? ... In the garage? ... Of course I did." Dick said while looking around.

Dick looked over in the corner of the garage. There was a brand new motorcycle sitting there. He could't believe it. Bruce only told him to rearrange the garage because he new Dick would find it. It had a bow on it and a card that read. "Happy birthday son!"

"Dick! Are you there? Dick?" Bruce asked. "If you can hear me. I am on my way back home! ... Dick?"

Suddenly, Dick heard the squeal of the Lamborghini tires down the street. "Umm... Sorry Bruce, gotta go!" Dick said as he hung up, then started the motorcycle, and headed out to catch up to Jason.

He knew he was going to have to get everything cleaned up and back in order before Bruce got home. He quickly called for 10 taxis to come pick up his friends at the guesthouse. He managed to catch up to Jason, then made him bring the Lamborghini back right away. After he got back to the guesthouse, he ushered all his friends out. He tried looking for Raven, but she wasn't there. Suddenly, a door opened, then Raven and Beast Boy came walking out of the boom boom room. Their faces were flushed and their hair was messed up.

"Hey bruh! I got a bone to pick with you!" Beast Boy said to Dick.

Dick looked scared and said, "I swear, I can explain everything!"

"Oh really!? You can explain why you would throw such an awesome party, and not buy any Vodka? Dude ... let me know the next time you throw one of these ... I will hook it up!" Beast Boy said.

Dick was relieved. He was expecting a fight. Raven gave Dick a little smile as they walked out.

**6 AM**

Dick was woken up when Bruce walked into his room. "I see you had a chance to ride the new motorcycle. How did it ride?" Bruce asked.

"Good ... it rode good ... I was thoroughly pleased ... thank you so much." Dick replied.

"Hmm.." Bruce started to walk away. Dick was relieved Bruce didn't suspect anything. Then Bruce turned back around. "The next time you throw a party, make sure your friends don't forget anything."

Dick looked at Bruce. He didn't know what was going to happen next. Then Bruce tossed Raven's motorcycle helmet onto Dick's lap. "You might want to get that back to her." He said as he walked away.

**6:10 AM**

Jason barged into Dick's room. "Hey Dick, I heard Bruce was going to be heading out of town in a couple days. I got a few ideas."


	2. Home Alone: Damien

**Home Alone: Damien**

Damien was a new addition to the Bat family. Since his mother was Talia al Ghul, he Literally was a vicious son of a bitch. Damien was Bruce and Talia's illegitimate love child. Apparently, Bruce "claimed" that Talia slipped him a date-rape drug, then took advantage of his tallywhacker. I'm "sure" that's what happened. It seemed like a lame story, even coming from a stick in the mud like Bruce.

**6 PM**

It was Christmas Eve. Bruce hired a part-time nanny to watch Damien because Alfred had already left for vacation a couple day's ago. He usually went to see his family in England at this time of year. But, Jason swore he saw Alfred last night. He said Alfred was dressed up in drag, and hanging out at the nightclub called, "The Reach-around Room." Although, Jason had been known for making up some ridiculous shit. Dick also didn't think Alfred was traveling to England. He figured Alfred was probably heading off to fuck Talia. (Without needing the date rape drug to tap that fine ass.) But, Alfred proved he was in England when he called to inform Bruce that he saw the Riddler and Mr. Freeze hold up a diamond jewelry store. Bruce didn't want Alfred to get involved. Instead, Bruce decided that Him, Dick, Jason, and Damien would fly to England first thing in the morning.

**8 PM**

Bruce and Dick went out on patrol as Batman & Nightwing. Jason didn't want to go. Apparently, he preferred staying home and doing things on his laptop. When Bruce asked Jason what he was doing on the laptop, Jason said he was tracking Catwoman, Poison Ivy, and Harley Quinn. Jason swore he almost had them in the palm of his hand. Bruce was satisfied with that answer. He was glad to see Jason taking this crime fighting thing serious for once.

**9 PM**

Jason and Damien ordered pizza. Bruce would never let them eat pizza because it was bad for you. But, Jason and Damien said, screw that! What Bathole doesn't know, wouldn't hurt them. The doorbell rang. The part-time nanny answered the door. Jason and Damien came running down the stairs thinking the pizza was already there. Instead, it was a couple cops coming to check on the place. Apparently, there had been a rash of robberies in the area and they wanted to make sure the house was secure.

Jason and Damien turned back around, "Shit! Just some pigs! They are probably here for you Damien, you little asshole." Jason said.

As Damien was heading back up stairs, he looked back down at the cops. One of them seemed familiar. He wasn't sure how, since he just came to live with Bruce not that long ago. Maybe it was the monocle the short officer was wearing. Or, the constant grin that the taller officer had. Damien just shrugged his shoulders and continued back up the stairs.

**9:30 PM**

Pizza dude was there. Jason and Damien came flying back down the stairs. They were racing to see who could get to the door first. Being the son of a bitch that Damien was, he tripped Jason about a third of the way down the steps. Jason went tumbling over and over and over and over. The stairs in Wayne Manor go a long ways down. It didn't help that Jason finally stopped tumbling after smashing into a Statue of David, landing his lips right on David's little penis.

"Eww bruh ... you just sucked that statues dick." Damien teased.

"Fuck you! You suck Dick's ... dick! ... DICK!" Jason responded.

"Dude, you are so lame! Bruce and Dick must be rubbing off on you. Literally, rubbing one off on you!" Damien conjured up.

The nanny managed to beat both of them to the door. She was quick. "Bruce said no junk food guys."

Jason and Damien snatched the two pizza's out of the pizza dude's hands, then said, "They are veggie pizza's. We swerr!"

Jason sat his pizza down, then went to grab a plate. Suddenly, Damien jumped up on the table, stuck his ass on Jason's pizza, and proceeded to let out a nasty wet fart. "Eww! Your pizza smell's like shit Jay!"

"You bastard! I will kill you!" Jason said while throwing a knife at Damien.

Damien was vicious. He caught the knife in mid air, then threw it back at Jason. Jason managed to grab a pan and blocked the knife just in time. Then, Jason picked up a pizza cutter. The part-time nanny went to check what all the noise was about. Jason threw the pizza cutter at Damien, but Damien managed to duck out of the way. Although, the nanny wasn't so lucky. The pizza cutter managed to slice her throat wide open. She fell to the ground bleeding to death.

"Dude! Look at what you did! You killed Misses Fucking Doubtfire! You broke Bruce's number one rule! No killing!" Damien exclaimed. Then Damien grabbed his pizza, then he headed off to his room and yelled, "Your cleaning this shit up!"

"I fucking hate you! You better lock your door tonight. If not, I'm going to break Bruce's number one and number two rule! That's when I cut off your head and shit down your neck!" Jason blurted out.

**3 AM**

Bruce and Dick called it an early night because they would be leaving for England in just a few hours. After they got back to Wayne Manor, Bruce went into the nanny's room to let her know that she could go home. There was a note on the bed that read, "Left for home at midnight. The boys were asleep. Do not wake them. Do not check the Broom closet. Thanks!"

Dick asked, "Do you even know where the broom closet is Bruce?"

"Hmm ... You know what ... I don't believe I do. Ha Ha Ha... Man, I am a spoiled Bat!" Bruce laughed.

Dick just stood there with a blank stare because nothing Bruce ever said was funny. "Oh ... Ha ha ha."

As Bruce was walking up the stairs to go to bed, he noticed that his Statue David had quite a polished knob. "That nanny sure does a squeaky clean job."

**6 AM**

A squirrel managed to get itself electrocuted trying to gnaw through a power line, causing the power to go out at Wayne Manor.

**8:20 AM**

The Bat-Alarm never went off. Suddenly, Bruce woke up from another nightmare. (You know, the same one he always had nightmares about, when his parents got murdered.) He realized the Bat-Alarm hadn't gone off. He could see the clock blinking, 2:20 AM 2:20 AM 2:20 AM 2:20 AM ... Finally, about a minute later, after it started blinking 2:21 AM 2:21 AM 2:21 AM 2:21 AM, he realized the power must have went out. He jumped out of bed naked, ran over to his closet, then opened it. There wasn't any clothes in there. There was only a fireman's pole. He jumped on the pole, then slid down. By the time he made it to the bottom, he was somehow already dressed in his Batman outfit. After that, he started yelling out to the kids, then he went to start up the Batwing. Dick and Jason ran to their own closets, opened them up, then slid down their poles. Somehow, Dick must have slid down Alfred's pole by accident because once he made it down below, he was in a drag queen outfit. He decided not to change because he thought it looked good on him, so they jumped in the Batwing, then took off for England. It only took them ten minutes to get there. As they were coming in for a landing, there was a sudden BOOM! Somehow, the Riddler managed to fire a rocket launcher at the Batwing. They were going down for an emergency landing, but Bruce couldn't control the jet. He decided to hit the eject button. Just before Dick was ejected, Jason hit Dick in the nuts, then ejected himself from the plane.

"Son of a bitch!" Dick said as he grabbed his junk, while ejecting himself.

As they were parachuting down towards the ground, Jason suddenly smelled piss. He looked up to see Dick with his pee pee out, whizzing all over Jason's parachute.

Then Bruce directed himself over towards Jason and Dick. "Alright you guys, enough with the shenanigans, it's time to get serious."

"Shenanigans? What the hell?" Jason asked.

"Something doesn't seem right." Dick said as they drifted closer to the ground.

"You're right Dick! Something doesn't seem right! I think you must have been overly circumcised!" Jason replied.

Suddenly, Bruce realized what it was. "Did I forget to flush? ... No, that's not it! But, it does seem like it has something to do with a little ... Shit! I forgot Damien!"

To be continued ...


	3. Home Alone: Damien Takes a Number Two

**9 AM**

Damien woke up yawning and scratching his balls. His morning-wood was from dreaming about Batgirl hanging upside down, while sucking his dick. He jumped out of bed after knocking one off. He sat on the toilet, then proceeded to finish that wet fart from last night. After that, Damien unlocked his door, then went downstairs. He looked around, but nobody seemed to be home.

"Bruce!? Dick!? Jason!? Is anyone here!?" he yelled. Then he went to check the broom closet. "Yep! Misses Fucking Doubtfire is still here." he said after he opened the door.

"I know you assholes are playing a joke on me! It's not going to work! So, you might as well come out!" Damien demanded.

Damien stood listening for them, but he could only hear crickets ... and a fart he was letting out. "Okay then! If you don't come out, I'm going to go into Jason's room and delete all his naked pictures of Poison Ivy and Harley Quinn!"

As he looked at the pictures he said, "Damn! Those are some big titties!" Then he knocked one off again while deleting the pictures.

"Okay, you still aren't out here! I'm going into Dick's room now and taking his gerbils!" Then he smelled one of the gerbils. "God Damn! This fucking gerbil smells like Dick's ass!"

Suddenly, the gerbil bit Damien on his hand, then the gerbil tried to scurry off. "Son of a bitch!" Damien yelled while trying to chase after the gerbil because he was going to squash that smelly little fucker.

But, the gerbil got away. Damien decided to slide down a pole to the Batcave. "Are Are! You You! Here Here!" Damiens voice echoed off of the cave walls. "You You! Suck Suck! Dick Dick!"

Still no answer. Then he pulled out his penis and yelled, "Bruce, I'm pissing on your giant dinosaur!" While he was pissing, he noticed that the dinosaur had a strap-on dildo attached to it.

Then, out of curiosity, he smelled it. "What the fuck! That smells like Bruce's ass!" Then, he smelled it again. "And, it smells like Alfred's ass also! God damn! Am I the only normal superhero in this butt fucking house?"

He decided to go back upstairs to the Manor. "This is your last chance Bruce! I'm about to order all the Playboy channels if you don't come out (of the closet) ... wait until he gets that bill!" Damien said as he watched the Playboy channel, while knocking another one off.

**9:30 AM**

Damien was getting hungry. So, he decided to go into the kitchen and look for a snack. "God Damn! What is up with all this healthy shit? Can't a mother fucker get some Cap n Crunch up in this bitch?"

Suddenly, there was a knock on the front door. Damien ran over to the window to see who it was. It was the two police officers he saw from last night. They seemed to be acting very suspicious. Plus, they didn't have their uniforms on. Damien lifted up the window just a crack to hear what they were saying.

Then he heard the short fat man with the monocle in his eye say, "Raakk! I don't think anyone is home! Let's go around the back to see if we can find a way in."

Damien wasn't sure what to do at first. He knew he wasn't prepared to fight them now. He was still naked, and sporting a semi from watching the Playboy channel. Then, he thought of something clever as he ran streaking towards the living room, near the backside of the Manor. Damien hid when he could see the men trying to open the window.

"Raakk! Help me up into this window Joker! And don't try to fuck me in the ass like you did last time fucker!" The Penguin said.

The Joker started helping Penguin up. He grabbed Penguin by his big ass. "Hoohoohoo … Heeheehee … Haahaa .. AHH!" Joker moaned while goosing Penguin, then getting off.

"Raakk! You bastard! That shit hurted!" Penguin squawked as he made it halfway into the window.

Then Damien turned up the TV really loud. He changed it to the raunchiest Playboy channel he could find.

Suddenly, the Penguin could hear a loud moaning noise, and this time it wasn't the Joker. "Oh yeah baby. That's the spot! Beat it up daddy! Oh yeah!"

"Raakk! I think somebody is home. They must not have left for England yet. It sounds like two people having sex." Penguin stated.

"Hoohoohoo … Let me listen." The Joker said. "Deeper baby! Oh God! Spit on it and stick it in my butt baby!" The joker heard. "Oh yeah, they are having sex alright. I bet it's the nanny fucking one of the kids. … Lucky bitch!"

"Raakk! Why are you always thinking about fucking the kids Joker? You perv!" Penguin squawked. "We will just have to come back tonight around 9 PM. They will probably be gone by then."

After they left, Damien realized they were the Joker and Penguin. He could tell it was them after they got back into the clown car. He knew he needed to be more prepared when they come back at 9 PM. But, he was still feeling hungry. So, he decided he would walk to the store to get some food and a couple supplies, but he didn't have any money.

Then he managed to crack Bruce's safe. "What a dumbass! Of course his password would be Martha. That's all I can hear when Bruce is sleeping. Martha! Martha! Martha! Nooooo!" Damien took all the hundred dollar bills, then left an IOU. But, then he crumpled up the IOU, then said, "Fuck that mother fucker! He owes me child support.

**10 AM**

As Damien walked towards the store. He noticed the creepy old man that lived in his neighborhood. The old man had an evil stare on his face. Plus, he always carried around a shovel in his hand. Jason and Dick had told Damien that the old man killed children and buried them in his backyard. Suddenly, since Damien wasn't paying attention, he almost got ran over by the clown car, while they were backing out of another driveway down the street from the Manor.

"Move it runt!" Joker yelled. "Hey Penguin, that little boy looks like the kid that Batman swings around with. Robin … The boy-toy story."

"Raakk! Would you stop thinking about little boys, you gay pedophile! Your brain must still be thinking about that time when you laid the pipe on Jason Todd/Robin." Penguin yelled.

"Hoohoohoo … That was exciting!" The Joker said with glee in his voice as he remembered laying the pipe on Robin.

"Raakk! You sick fuck!" Penguin exclaimed.

**10:30 AM**

Damien finally made it to the store. He started picking out different supplies that would keep Joker and Penguin out of the Manor. He bought a bear trap, a torch, gin-sue knives, some toilet paper for his ass, lighter fluid, and a midget blowup doll. Then he started heading back home. As he was heading home, people driving by in their cars were staring at Damien. He was holding the midget blowup doll in a doggy-style position. But, he wasn't using his hands to carry it.

**11:30 AM**

After he made it back home, he started setting up the traps. He set them up slowly and meticulously because he knew he still had plenty of time before the Joker and Penguin were coming back. Although, he was rather vigorous in his attempts to set up the midget blowup doll. But, finally the house was ready. He could rest easy until 9 PM.

**2:00 PM**

Over in England. Bruce was trying to find a fast way back to Gotham City. But, he forgot his wallet, and they were still in their superhero outfits. It was a ten hour trip if he had to take a regular jet. It would take even longer if they had to take a plane. Superman was nowhere to be found, which was just like that fairy motherfucker. He was probably saving Lois for the hundredth time.

Then Jason spoke up. "Maybe we should drive back!"

Bruce just stood there with disgust in his eyes while shaking his head. "Oh Jason, how are you still alive?" He asked.

"You should know dickhead, I was resurrected in the Lazarus Pit! Remember? You should, since I kicked your bitch ass all over the place after I came back!" Jason replied.

"Not now Jason! Save that smack talk for later shithead! Right now we need to find a way back." Dick exclaimed.

"Fuck you … DICK! I should break out the Red Hood Robin right now and beat your jackass! Jason responded.

"Mother fucker! I will lay the pipe on you just like the Joker did if you don't shut the fuck up! Dick declared.

Jason shut up real quick, then he squatted down in a corner sucking his thumb like a pacifier. He clinched his buttcheeks together as he remembered that fateful night.

Finally, Bruce found a pilot, named Roman Sionis, that could take them back, but only on one condition. Bruce would have to tell Roman what Batman's true identity was.

Bruce Wayne thought about it for a second, then said, "It's a deal. You look like an honest guy that can keep a secret."

"Excellent!" Roman said as they loaded the jet plane.

To be continued...


	4. Home Alone: Damien's Final Stand

**9 PM**

Damien awaited the arrival of the Joker and Penguin. He looked out the window and noticed the clown car pulling into the driveway.

He rubbed his hands together, then said, "Here we go bitches. Time to rock this joint!"

The Joker and Penguin got out of their clown car, then made their way towards the front door.

"Raakk! It looks like it is empty! I will try to find a way in the front, you go through the back! Penguin ordered.

The Joker started walking behind Penguin, then he began to goose him.

"Raakk! What the hell are you doing?" Penguin yelled while getting poked in the butt.

"Hoohoohoo … you said you wanted me to go through the back … heeheehee" Joker replied.

The penguin turned to look at the Joker, and noticed the Joker had a woody. So, the Penguin grabbed his umbrella, then with a thorough swing, he whacked Joker in the nuts.

"YOW!" The Joker let out a loud groan while bending over. But, then he straightened back up and said, "May I please have another?"

The penguin stood there for a second, then clicked a button on his umbrella, which turned the umbrella into a machine gun. He pointed it at the Joker, then said, "Raakk! If you don't get your gay ass around the backside of the house, I am going to blow your dick … OFF!"

The Joker quickly rushed off to the backside of the house, while Penguin went towards the front. The penguin tried to make it to the front door, but Damien had dumped water there earlier to create a slippery sheet of ice, causing Penguin to start slipping and sliding towards the door. He tried to keep his balance, but he soon would fall face down on his stomach. After he fell to the ground, he accidentally set off one of Damien's traps. He heard a noise that sounded like something swinging down from the roof. Suddenly, the strap-on dildo from the dinosaur came swinging down, then smashed into Penguin's ass. Then it started spinning. The Penguin began crying out in pain.

The Joker came around to see what the fuss was all about. "Hey! That's not fair! I want to try!" The Joker said as he jumped on the Penguins back, allowing the dildo to penetrate him. "Hoohoohoo … it has whirly-bird mode!" Joker gleefully stated.

The Penguin started bucking around as he tried to get the Joker off … of him. The Joker started bouncing around as if he was at a rodeo. The Penguin quickly spun around trying to get up, but the dildo started smacking him in the face as it went back into whirly-bird mode, causing him to lose his balance again. Finally, he managed to get up, but it was only after the Joker couldn't last any longer.

"Raakk! Let's get the hell out of here, obviously this place is boobytrapped!" Penguin squawked.

The Joker's face grinned ear to ear and said, "No! I want to see what else they got for me!"

Then the Penguin noticed Damien peeking out of a window, "Raakk! We are being bamboozled by a little kid. It's the little boy we almost ran over yesterday. He must be home alone. Let's act like we are leaving, and then find another way in."

"Oh goody! I can't wait to get my hands on him!" Joker replied.

"Raakk! You sick fuck! Just get your jackass in the car already!" Penguin yelled.

Damien knew they would be back, and all his traps were ready for when they did.

**10 PM**

The Penguin and Joker tried to get into the Manor again. This time, the Joker decided to go through the basement window, and Penguin tried getting in through the Garage. The Joker started kicking the basement window, but he was too weak to break it. Then, he tried punching it, but that nearly broke his hand. Finally, he tried turning the knob on the window. The window opened right up. After he made it through the window, he tried to find a light. He pulled the switch that hung in the middle of the room. The light didn't come on, so he looked up to see what was wrong. He noticed a hole in the ceiling, and could tell something was coming down through it. Suddenly, SPLAT! A big pile of diarrhea landed on his face. The Joker's face was no longer pale white. It had changed dark brown, with a couple corn chunks still stuck to his teeth. The Joker didn't mind the smell, but he was very conservative, and he didn't like looking that dark. So, he grabbed a rag to wipe his face off. The rag sort of smelled like gas, but he couldn't quite tell what the smell was, then decided to wipe his face with it. He threw the rag down, then started heading up the steps. As soon as he made it half way up, a flame thrower shot out a large flame from the side of the walls. The Joker tried to dodge out of the way, but the lighter fluid, that was on his face, caught on fire. He then tumbled backwards down the steps. He ran to put the fire out in the toilet, then the toilet exploded. Earlier, Damien filled it up with gasoline. The Joker quickly jumped back through the window, then put the fire out in the snow.

The Penguin managed to get into the garage. He was amazed at all the cars and motorcycles that he saw. "Rich Bastards!" He said, while swinging his umbrella, then smashing down on the hood of a limousine. Suddenly, alarms started going off on the limo. The penguin got into the limo, then shut off the alarm. He was about to get out when he noticed a midget blowup doll in the back seat. He hadn't got some in quite a while. Other than the Joker trying to goose him. He looked around to see if anyone was watching, then climbed into the backseat with the midget blowup doll.

"Hey pretty thing! You look like a spinner! Let me show you a little trick called the french flipper."

He pulled out his Penguin dick, then sat the midget blowup doll on it. His dick only went half way in. He didn't enjoy that. So, he pulled the midget blowup doll off of him, then spit on his dick.

"I'm going all the way up into you little woman!" he squawked as he jammed his way through.

Suddenly, he felt a sharp pain splitting his dick in half. "Raakk Kakk Kakk Kakk! Mother fucker!" Earlier, Damien stuck a gin-sue knife in the vagina of the doll. The penguin jumped out of the limousine, ran back outside, then stuck his dick in the snow. He looked up to see that the Joker was also out there sticking his "head" in the snow.

"Hoohoohoo … What happened to you, Penguin? The Joker asked while looking a bit charred.

"Raakk! What happened to me? What happened to you? You look like Two-Face now!" Penguin exclaimed. "And … Why do you smell like burnt shit!?

"That little fucker had more traps waiting in the basement." Joker replied, " What about you?" he asked.

"He also had some traps waiting in the garage. I'm going to kill that fucker once I get my flipper on him!" Penguin replied. "Like what kind of traps?" Joker asked.

"Raakk! Never mind all that. It wasn't any flying dildo's for you to enjoy, if that's what you're asking! Maybe we should just see if that window is still unlocked." Penguin squawked.

After they made it to the window, the Joker slightly tried opening it up. He stopped for a second to look around to make sure no traps were going to come flying down at him. Everything seemed okay. So, he continued to open it up.

"Hmm … That was easy! I guess we should have tried this in the first place." The Joker said, but he thought about it longer, then said, "Nah! If we would have tried this the first time, I never would have got to try out the whirly-bird dildo! Heeheehee!"

"Raakk! You sick fuck! Just get your stinky ass into that window!" The Penguin said while offering to give the Joker a boost.

The Joker put one of his legs through the window, then sat it down on the floor.

SNAP! The Joker looked down to see that his foot was caught in a bear trap. "Yowwy! Yowwy! Yowwy!" The Joker cried.

"What? What? What?" The Penguin asked.

"Hoohoohoo! … That little bastard setup a bear trap on the other side of the window!" Joker painfully replied.

After that, the Penguin pushed the Joker through the rest of the window, then made his way through the window himself. They looked around to make sure there wasn't any traps laid out. Nothing seemed to be going on. So, they made their way up the first set of stairs that led to Bruce's room. The Joker went into Bruce's room, while Penguin continued up the steps. As the Joker was looking around, he noticed a lot of bat pictures hanging on Bruce's wall.

"Quite the bat freak, aren't we! … Oh, I can't talk, I have a thing for bats too."

While snooping around, the Joker looked under Bruce's bed. He saw something strange, so he pulled it out. It was a midget blowup doll that was dressed up to look like Jason Todd/Robin. The Joker's eyes got big. He began licking his lips, still tasting the diarrhea from earlier. He looked around to make sure nobody was looking, then he pulled Robin's underwear down, and proceeded to thrust his way in.

"Yowwy! Yowwy! Yowwy!" The Joker came running out into the hallway with his dick halfway split in half.

"What? What? What?" Penguin asked while looking down at the Joker's split dick. "Oh, I see he got you too."

They started heading up the stairs. The Statue David wasn't sitting in the corner like it was yesterday.

At that moment, Damien yelled out, "I'm up here assholes! Come and get me!"

The Joker and Penguin started making their way up the stairs. Suddenly, the Statue David came flying down the steps. It had two whirly-bird dildo's attached to it. It hit Joker and Penguin, sending them tumbling and tumbling and tumbling back down the stairs. After they finally stopped tumbling down the stairs, the whirly-bird dildo's were smacking them in the face. The Penguin was pissed, while the Joker was delighted, as he continued to let it smack him in the face.

"Come on you shit-heads. I'm just a little boy! Are you gonna let a little boy beat your ass like this?" Damien blurted out.

"Raakk! Get that dildo out of your mouth, and let's go kill this kid!" Penguin demanded.

They started making their way up the stairs. Damien ran off towards the attic. Penguin and Joker had almost caught up to him, but they were tripped up by a tripwire Damien setup earlier. The Penguin laid on the floor dazed as Damien started to head up the stairs. But- Joker managed to lunge out and grab Damien's ankle. Damien tried to shake him off, but the Joker really wanted to get his hands on him. At that moment, Damien found the missing gerbil that got away earlier. He picked it up, then set it on the Joker's face. The Joker picked it up and was going to shove it in his ass, but before he could, the gerbil bit his hand. The gerbil fell to the ground, then started scurrying off. The Joker was pissed, he pulled his dick out of his pants, then started swinging it at the gerbil. As he looked around for it, he noticed it was crawling up the Penguins leg. The Penguin regained his vision, then he noticed Joker was coming at him, while wielding his penis in his hand.

"Joker? What are you doing? What are you doing Joker? ... Joker?" Penguin said with confusion as the swinging penis got closer.

Then, the Joker started smacking the Penguin on his ass with his dick. "Hold still Penguin! The gerbil's about to go into your ass!"

The Penguin's eyes got big as he felt the furry little guy going in his butthole.

The Joker stood there with a jealous face, then said, "You lucky bastard!"

The Penguin jumped up and bent over, then let out a huge wet fart. The gerbil flew out of his ass along with a bunch of shit. It splattered all over the Joker's face. "Not again! God Dammit!" Joker yelled.

They ran upstairs into the attic, only to realize that Damien had made his way over to the treehouse. They noticed that Damien used a trapeze wire to get across. So, they decided they would also try to climb across. As they made it about half way across. Damien cut the wire, sending them flying into the side of the house. Damien quickly made his way down the ladder, then he ran over to the cranky old man's house.

"Try to follow me if you dare!" Damien yelled out as he opened the cellar doors, then started running inside.

The Joker was about to follow him, but Penguin realized that Damien wanted them to follow him through the cellar. So, he decided they should try to get ahead of Damien's plan. Damien ran through the cellar and up the stairs. He was startled as he opened the doors because Penguin and Joker were standing there.

"We figured out your little maze of traps!" Penguin said as they grabbed him, then hung him up on a door hook.

"Oh! I can't wait to lay this pipe on you!" The Joker said while slowly trying to pull out his split-dick.

Suddenly, WHACK! WHACK! The cranky old man was home, and smashed the Joker and the Penguin over the head with his shovel. Then, the old man helped Damien down.

"Thanks Mister. I thought I was a goner." Damien said. "What is your name?" Damien asked.

"Name's Jonathan Wayne, but my friends call me "Jack." The old man replied.

"Holy Shit! Are you Bruce's grandpa?" Damien asked.

"Yes, but my grandson is such a stick-in-the-mud, we don't talk anymore." Jack replied.

"I don't blame you. That makes me your illegitimate great grandson." Damien declared.

Jack dragged the Joker and Penguin out to the backyard. Then proceeded to bury them next to they many other graves in his backyard.

**7:00 AM**

Damien woke up. Sporting wood of course. Then, he ran down the stairs to see if anyone was home yet. But, nobody was there. Suddenly, the front door opened up. It was Bruce, Dick, and Jason.

"Oh thank God, you are still okay!" Bruce said, while checking out Damien's body.

"You mean, Damien didn't burn down the house while we were gone? What a surprise!" Dick stated.

"I'm going to go check out my laptop!" Jason exclaimed.

"Yeah, I'm going to go … ''feed `` … my gerbils." Dick proclaimed.

Bruce was hungry and started rubbing his stomach, then said, "Do you know where the kitchen is at in this place Damien?"

"Yes, follow me dummy!" Damien replied. But, as he started escorting Bruce to the kitchen, Bruce noticed a closet door outside of the pantry.

"That must be the broom closet!" Bruce declared. He started to open it, but Damien quickly stopped him. "No, you don't want to go in there!"

"Oh now son, I'm not afraid of a broom." Bruce said while forcing the door open.

"Holy Shit!" Bruce exclaimed when he saw the slain nanny lying on the ground.

Then, Bruce noticed the nanny's wig was falling off. So, he completely pulled it off.

"What the fuck!" Bruce yelled out once he realized it was Lady Shiva.

She was one of the most deadliest assassins in the world. She was so good, Bruce had never defeated her in battle. There was a paper sticking out of her apron. It was a plan to kill everyone in the house.

"I know a place we can bury her." Damien suggested. "But, I don't know if he will answer the door ... FOR YOU!"


	5. Tim Drake Rises

Bruce Wayne had a meeting at Wayne Enterprises today with a young man named Tim Drake. It wasn't his normal meetings with young boys. Tim had figured out that Bruce Wayne, Dick, Jason, and Damien were actually Batman, Nightwing, Red Hood, and Robin. Tim wanted in on some of that action. He had studied many aspects about the boys, especially Dick.

**9 AM**

Tim walked into Bruce's office. Bruce was leaned back in his chair, and looked a little sleepy as if he had been awake all night. (Which was actually true. Bruce Wayne told Roman Sionis, a.k.a. Black Mask that he was Batman in exchange for a flight back to Gotham City to see if Damien was okay.) That is exactly why Tim chose this time to see Bruce. He knew he could catch Bruce off guard with the information he had about Batman.

"So, what is this urgent message you needed to tell me Tim?" Bruce asked. "I'm hoping you aren't about to sue me like all the others who complained about the whirly-bird dildos manufactured at Wayne Enterprises!" I promise the new models will be much better. We modeled them after Bane's gigantic penis. The last ones were just a prototype from Killer Croc. I didn't realize the scales would cut so bad. I must be used to it." Bruce proclaimed.

Tim was holding a newspaper in his hand, which was from a few nights ago, then he threw it on Bruce's desk. "Do you recognize anyone in these photos, Bruce?" Tim asked.

Bruce looked it over. It was a picture of Batman, Nightwing, Red Hood, and Robin swinging through the air while in the pursuit of a criminal. Batman had Red Hood Robin strapped onto his waist as they were swinging.

"Yeah, I recognize them. That is Batman and his Boy Wonders. I have a picture of them on my bedroom wall at home. I hope this isn't all you have brought me. I have a lot of important things I have to do today." Bruce stated as he yawned.

"Things to do? You mean, like take a Bat nap?" Tim replied.

"I'm certainly not going to sleep hanging upside-down, if that is what you are asking me. Unless you are suggesting something kinky, then I can keep a secret if you can." Bruce declared as he put his finger in his mouth and acted like he was sucking on it.

"What!? No! I mean … maybe … we can talk about that later!" Tim exclaimed.

After that, Tim took out some other photos. They were pictures of Bruce, Dick, Jason, and Damien sitting down, eating lunch at a restaurant called, "Hoosier Daddy." In that picture, Jason was sitting on Bruce's lap. Jason didn't look too comfortable, and Dick looked extremely jealous. Damien looked rather depressed as if he didn't want to be seen in public with them.

"Do you see the resemblance in these two pictures?" Tim asked as he sat the newspaper and the other photos next to each other. "I haven't seen pictures of two people sitting that close, since some of your older pictures of you and Dick."

Bruce began clapping his hands. "Very well done Tim! You have cracked the case!" Then Bruce looked at Tim's physique. "Stand up." Bruce said. Tim stood up. "Now spin around." Bruce demanded. Tim spun around. "Yes, I believe you could make an excellent Boy Wonder.

Tim's face grew a smile from ear to ear. "Okay! But, I don't know if I will be able to live with you because I actually have a mother. I'm not an orphan like you guys."

"Oh, a weekend warrior Ay!" Bruce exclaimed. "I believe I can make room for you on those days. I will just have to tell Dick that I found somebody else. I could probably still schedule him in for a nooner during the week. He probably won't be happy though."

"O … K … I think that might be too much information. But, it's a deal!" Tim exclaimed.

"Now, before you leave, I believe some training is in order." Bruce declared as he locked the door.

**6 PM**

Bruce introduced Tim to Alfred, Dick, Jason, and Damien. He let them know that Tim would be a new "member" of the family on weekends. Dick rolled his eyes as if he was already jealous of him. They had just let Damien move in not too long ago. Alfred wasn't very pleased either. That was one more mouth to cook supper for, another person to clean up after, and he especially hated removing all the tissues from the young men's floors. Plus, Alfred didn't like Bruce's sloppy seconds.

"Welcome to Neverland!" Damien blurted out. "The fun never stops here! We get the Playboy channel for now, at least … until Bruce get's the cable bill."

"Yeah! And I can show you some really cool pictures of some bad guys on my laptop!" Jason proclaimed.

"I can show you some awesome tricks that I've learned to do with a pipe and some gerbils." Dick piped up.

"Now now boys, we will have plenty of time for all that. But, we need to go check out a criminal named Black Mask. Apparently he knows who we are. I don't know how, but I'm sure we can find out." Bruce stated.

"God Damn Bruce! Does everybody know who we are!?" Damien asked. "Let me guess, when you were trying to find a way back here last night, you told an unknown guy who Batman really is, in exchange for a flight back to Gotham, didn't you?"

"Hmm … That could have something to do with it. Good job Damien! That's my boy!" announced Bruce to the dismay of Dick's facial expression. "Now, let's show Tim to the Batpoles!"

"Sweet! Do you mind if Dick shows me his pole first?" Tim asked while raising his eyebrows at Dick.


	6. Everyone Knows Bruce Wayne is Batman

**Everyone Knows Bruce Wayne is Batman**

**3 PM**

Bruce Wayne opened up a letter sent from Roman Sionis, a.k.a. Blackmask. Roman wrote that he would tell everyone that Bruce Wayne was Batman unless Bruce gives him 50% shares of Wayne Enterprise. Roman was only going to give Bruce 24 hours until he would make the announcement. Bruce wasn't quite sure what he should do. He loved being Batman more than Bruce Wayne, so would it actually hurt him to give up 50% of his business? Even though Roman has tried to kill Bruce Wayne in the past, Bruce still couldn't kill Roman because he doesn't believe in that shit. (for some reason)

Bruce asked Alfred. "What do you think I should do, Alfred? This is quite a conundrum."

"I would kill him, Master Bruce." Then in a muttered voice, "you fucking idiot." Alfred replied.

"I'm sorry, did you say kill him, you fucking idiot?" Bruce asked.

"Me … no Master Bruce! Never! I said you should call him, then figure it out." Alfred replied. "He left his phone number down at the bottom of the letter, next to where Roman wrote, Seriously, you are stupid … I mean, Sincerely, Roman Sionis."

"Hmm … Maybe you are right. I should call him and try to figure this out." Bruce agreed.

"Of course, Master Bruce. You always do the right thing." Alfred said while rolling his eyes.

Alfred excused himself, then quickly ran off to let Dick, Jason, Tim, and Damien know what was going on. Alfred knew Roman Sionis needed to die, but they would have to work together and not let Bruce know about what was going on. Actually, he decided not to tell Dick at the time because Dick was all about obeying Bruce. First, he went to Damien's room. Damien was on his laptop, but he wasn't looking at what you might think he would be looking at. Instead, he was actually trading stocks online.

"Master Damien, I didn't know you knew how to play the stock market." Alfred said with surprise.

"Fuck yeah! Do you think I want to live here for the rest of my life?" Damien replied. "What do you want?" he asked.

"Master Bruce has received a letter from Roman Sionis threatening to announce that Bruce Wayne is Batman." Alfred replied.

"Okay, so we kill Roman … case closed!" Damien declared.

"Exactly! Master Damien! But, we mustn't tell Bruce nor Dick about our plans." Alfred exclaimed. "I am sure that Master Jason will most certainly be on board."

"Yeah, I'm sure he will. Let's go tell that dumbass what our plan is." Damien insisted.

Alfred and Damien headed off to Jason's room. After they get to his room, Damien barged right in.

"Yo! Fucknuts! We have something to tell you!" Damien blurted out.

"Shhh … I am watching something on my laptop. It's creepy as hell." Jason replied.

"Oh boy, Master Jason, do I need to get some tissues, perhaps a bucket and a mop this time?" Alfred asked with concern in his voice.

"No Alfred! It's not porn this time! Well, I'm not quite sure what it is." Jason responded. "Come take a look."

Alfred and Damien slowly headed towards Jason and his laptop not knowing what to expect.

After they saw what was on the laptop, Damien blurted out, "What the fuck is that?"

"I put a camera in Dick's room. Apparently, he is trying to show Tim some new tricks with his gerbils and steel pipes." Jason replied.

Alfred and Damien put their hands over their mouths as if they were about to puke. Alfred started to gag as he felt the puke coming, so he reached down to grab a tissue from Jason's nightstand. After he picked it up, he tried putting it near his mouth to stop the puke, then the tissue got stuck to Alfred's lips and fingers. Alfred ripped it away from his mouth, then started flinging his hand about trying to get it unstuck.

"Oh, sorry about that Alfred, I just used that one to clean my mess. I was looking at porn before I started watching this." Jason said.

Alfred couldn't hold it in anymore and started throwing up all over Jason and his laptop. Then, that caused Damien to start throwing up all over Alfred and Jason. After smelling the puke, Jason started throwing up on Alfred and Damien.

After they were all done throwing up, Jason said, "Maybe we will need that bucket and mop after all."

Suddenly, two gerbils scurried across the hallway floor past Jason's room, followed by Dick and Tim with pipes sticking out of their asses. Alfred began puking again. Dick heard the noise from Alfred's convulsions, then pulled the pipe out of his ass, and made his way towards Jason's room.

"Is everything okay, Alfred? I thought I heard you puking." Dick asked while holding a pipe in one hand and a gerbil in the other.

Suddenly, Tim came running around the corner. "I caught the other one, Dick!"

Jason, Damien, and Alfred began throwing up all over again. They threw up on Dick, Tim, and the gerbils because Tim still had a pipe sticking out of his ass. Apparently, he had shoved it in too far and couldn't get it out.

Bruce Wayne came around the corner wondering what all the commotion was all about.

"Tim stuck a pipe in his ass and he can't get it out." Damien explained.

"Hmm … I know a few tricks." Bruce declared. "I had this problem with one of my whirly-birds once."

Alfred felt like he was going to puke again, but he had nothing left in his system to throw up. He quickly excused himself, then he headed downstairs to get the mop. After Bruce, Dick, and Tim left the room, Damien stayed behind because he wanted to let Jason know about their plan to kill Roman. After hearing the plan, Jason was 100% on board.

**9 PM**

Bruce Wayne received a call on the Bat-phone. "Yes, Commissioner Gordon, what is it?" Bruce said with a growly voice.

"Bruce … I mean, Batman. I have some urgent news to tell you. Two-Face and Blackmask seem to be plotting something big for Gotham. Detective Bullock spotted them down by the water filtration plant. What do you think they are up to, Wayne … I mean, Batman?" Gordon asked.

"Hmm … I'm not sure. Perhaps I will make my way to the water filtration plant and check things out." Bruce … I mean, Batman replied.

"Will you be bringing Dick … I mean, Nightwing with you?" Gordon asked.

"I may need to bring him. He sure seems to know his way around pipes. I just hope he doesn't get sidetracked like last time." Batman replied. "As long as we don't run into any rats, we should be fine."

After hanging up the Bat-phone, Bruce called out for Dick to slide down his pole and get ready to head out to investigate the Two-Face and Blackmask sighting. As Bruce and Dick sped out of the Batcave, Alfred, Jason, and Damien also prepared to head out. They left Tim at home because he was too much of a nerd to come along. Actually, there wasn't a real sighting of Two-Face or Blackmask. Alfred had called Commissioner Gordon earlier and asked Gordon to act like he saw them to get Bruce and Dick away from Wayne Manor.

**10 PM**

Batman and Nightwing swung a grappling hook to the top of the water filtration plant, then started climbing up the side of the building. They were trying to be as sneaky as possible. Batman always believed in not letting people see him while he investigates.

Two security guards were watching them on the security monitors. "Hey look! Bruce and Dick are on the roof!" One of the guards said.

"Shh … they are Batman and Nightwing!" The other guard declared.

Then, they looked at each other and started laughing. "Ha ha ha ha ha ha. They actually think we don't know who they are? What man has four boys living with him and can afford all that cool stuff?"

"Apparently, it's him or the Pope!" the other guard replied as they both started laughing again.

"Ha ha, Look how sneaky they are trying to be! And why is he standing so close to Nightwing?"

Batman and Nightwing finally make it inside. (After the guards unlocked the doors) Then they began looking around for clues. Batman noticed the guards sitting at their desks. He wanted to find a way to sneak by. He started tiptoeing passed the desks. The security guards could see Batman, but they acted like he was completely invisible to them.

After Batman and Nightwing made it passed them, one of the guards said, "Do they really think they snuck passed us?"

"It would appear so. Let's watch them some more on the security monitors. Then, we can get up and act like we are making our rounds, just to see what they will try to do in order to hide from us. It should be hilarious."

**10:30 PM**

Alfred, Jason, and Damien made it to Blackmask's hideout. As they looked through the windows, they could see Roman's henchmen playing cards at a round table, but Roman was nowhere to be found.

Suddenly, they were startled when they heard a voice. "So, Bruce Wayne sent his little boys and his butler to kill me, huh? If I die, your secret will be delivered to the news. There is no way you can win." Blackmask declared.

"Fuck you Blackface!" Damien yelled out. "Your mask is racist as hell!"

"Oh, mister politically correct! Give me a fuckin break! I've been wearing this black mask before blackface was even a thing in the news. Now get ready my nizzles because you are about to get shot up like a drive-by, bitches!" Blackmask exclaimed as he began firing off his machine gun.

Alfred and the boys began jumping out of the way. The henchmen that were inside playing cards came running out once they heard the shots. Alfred and the boys hid behind some barrels and crates that were stacked outside the hideout for some reason. They had the Wayne Enterprise logo on them. Alfred realized that they were the old models of the whirly-bird dildos that got discontinued because they were the ones with Killer Croc scales. Alfred quickly opened the crate, grabbed the dildos, turned them on, then began throwing them at the henchmen. The dildos were whirly-birding through the air smacking into the faces of the henchmen. Jason and Damien opened the other crates and found fleshlights that were designed from Catwoman's pussy. They were guaranteed to make you cum nine times in a row. They had been discontinued because nine orgasms were too much and they were killing the men using them. They strategically threw them at the henchmen's balls. The henchmen were dodging them because they knew the deadly effects from them. Finally, the whirly-bird dildos and the Catwoman fleshlights were too much for them causing Blackmask's henchmen to run off. Blackmask was the only one left standing. Alfred and the boys surrounded Blackmask. Blackmask knew he was a goner so he pushed a button that released the identities of Batman and the bat-family. Right at that moment, Alfred shoved a whirly-bird dildo in Blackmask's mouth and turned it on. You could see it rotating in his mouth from cheek to cheek. Then Jason attached a Catwoman fleshlight to Blackmask's penis. Blackmask fell to the ground gyrating due to all the orgasms he was having, then he finally died after choking on the whirly-bird dildo and having multiple orgasms. Jason put one of the fleshlights in his pocket hoping to use one later. Alfred grabbed one of the whirly-bird dildos for his own personal reasons. Damien could only stand there shaking his head because Jason and Alfred were so fucked up.

**11 PM**

The 11 PM news came on. "You are listening to Gotham's favorite news station. Before Roman Sionis, a.k.a. Blackmask died last night, he revealed to us that Batman is actually Bruce Wayne."

Everyone watching the news started laughing and didn't seem surprised at all. It was as if they already knew who Batman was and they didn't care. After that day, everyone in Gotham continued acting like they didn't know who Batman was because they enjoyed watching Bruce try so hard to conceal his identity.

**6 AM**

It's New Years Eve. Jason has some great Ideas for a party later that day.


	7. New Years Eve Party at the Hizz-House

**New Years Eve Party At The Hizz-house**

**3 PM**

Alfred entered Bruce's bedroom to wake Bruce up. As he headed towards the bed, he noticed the head of a Jason Todd/Robin blow-up doll poking out from under the bed. The face on the blow-up doll almost looked as if it was frowning.

"The poor doll had to go through Fifty Shades of Bat last night." Alfred thought to himself while making a disgusted face.

Alfred approached Bruce, then reached out to tap him on the shoulder. "Master Bruce."

Bruce Wayne jumped up from the bed naked, he was screaming. "No Joker! Stop laying the pipe to Jason! Take me instead!"

After that, Bruce ran to his closet, opened it up, then leapt onto his Bat-pole, and slid down it.

"Oh dear. Bruce is having one of his Jason Todd nightmares." Alfred said while sliding down the pole after Bruce.

After Alfred made it to the bottom, he was dressed in a Batman outfit. He noticed Bruce was also in a Batman outfit, but he was curled up in a ball.

"Scarecrow … toxins … Joker … laughing gas … LSD … mushrooms … I only tried them once, I swear!" Bruce cried out while he was still sleeping.

Alfred grabbed a cup of water, then splashed it on Bruce's face. "Master Bruce, wake up! You are having a nightmare!"

Finally, Bruce started waking up. He pulled his thumb out of his mouth, then he pulled the other one out of his ass.

"Alfred! Why is your finger in my ass!" Bruce loudly asked.

"Sorry, Master Wayne. Sometimes, the only way I can wake you from your nightmares is to goose you in the ass." Alfred replied while taking the Bat-glove off.

"Why did you wake me?" Bruce asked.

"Sir, I have everything prepared for the annual New Years Eve, Wayne fundraiser event, which is scheduled to begin in just a few hours." Alfred replied. "We will have the finest champagne and wine on this side of Gotham."

"Excellent Alfred! I wish we could do something a little different this year. It seems like every year we do the same old thing. All the rich people of Gotham begin talking about business and mergers while their wives try hitting on me. I'm not into that kind of thing." Bruce explained. "You know what I mean, Alfred?"

"Yes, Master Wayne. I know exactly what you mean" … then, in a muttering voice, Alfred said, "perhaps, if some of them dressed up as Robin."

"I'm sorry, did you just say, "perhaps, if they dressed up as Robin?" Bruce asked.

"No! Master Wayne! Of course not! I said, perhaps you should ask the Robins." Alfred quickly reworded. "You know, maybe they would have a good idea. In fact, Master Jason had interrupted me earlier today, suggesting that we have a superhero themed masquerade party."

"That's actually a great idea! That way, I wouldn't need to get changed!" Bruce exclaimed. "Unless you think it wouldn't be a good idea going as Batman."

"You should definitely wear your Batman outfit. Nobody would ever think Bruce Wayne is Batman." Alfred replied.

"True Alfred. I do conceal my identity well." Bruce declared. "Now, if I decided to dress up as Superman, people would probably think I was actually him."

"Of course, Master Bruce. Excellent observation. Shall we ask the boys what they plan on wearing? Alfred asked.

Bruce looked around and noticed the Batmobile was missing. "Hmm, … maybe I left it in the tunnel." he thought to himself. "Oh well, I will look for it later."

Bruce headed up the stairs to let the boys know that they were going to have a masquerade party. First he went to Damien's room. Just before Bruce knocked, he heard a voice that didn't sound quite like Damien's voice.

"Die Batman! I don't want you anymore! I want Damien! Hiya!" Said a girly voice in Damien's room.

Bruce opened the door just a bit to see inside. He noticed Damien sitting on the other side of his bed. It looked like he was holding a Ken doll that was dressed like Batman and a barbie doll that was dressed up as Batgirl. Suddenly, Damien snapped the head off of the Batman doll, then picked up another doll that was dressed up as Robin.

"Hey baby! About time you dumped that lame ass! Now get over here and suck this dick, bitch!" Damien pretended to be the doll. Then he stuck the Batgirl doll in his pants and started rubbing one off.

Bruce pushed the door open. "Damien! What the hell are you doing? And who the hell do you think you are? Did I say you could play with my dolls?" Bruce asked. "You are lucky I am in a good mood. I came up here to let you know that we are having a superhero themed masquerade party tonight. You can wear your Robin outfit if you want. Or, you could always wear that outfit that Jason used to wear when he was a younger boy wonder." Bruce suggested as he began heading towards Dick's room.

Damien looked at the Batgirl doll, then said in a sexy low voice, "If Bruce is playing with you, he ain't doing it right. Your hair isn't even messed up." Then he looked over at the Jason Todd/Red Hood doll and noticed there was something sticky on it. "Ew!" He quickly kicked the dolls off to the side.

Bruce made it to Dick's room, then slowly opened the door because he wasn't sure what to expect after what he just witnessed in Damien's room. Bruce noticed Dick's bed was missing, and in its place was a huge pile of hamster bedding. "Dick! Are you in here?" Bruce asked.

Dick popped his head up out of the hamster bedding. "Yeah, Bruce! I'm here!"

"What are you doing?" Bruce asked while walking towards Dick.

When he got closer, he looked down to see that Dick's gerbils had babies. Next to Dick was a steel pipe. "Are you starting a gerbil farm? And what is your obsession with pipes? Bruce asked.

"They like running through the pipes. Do you want me to show you?" Dick asked.

"No! No … no … no. That's quite alright. I will take your word for it. I was only coming up to let you know that we are having a superhero themed masquerade party tonight. You could probably wear your Nightwing outfit if you want. Or, you could wear that Robin outfit you wore when you were younger." Bruce suggested, then began walking towards Tim's room.

Bruce entered Tim's room. He noticed Tim typing away on a computer. "Hey buddy, what are you up to?"

Tim spun around in his chair, then showed Bruce a big book about space time continuum and physics. "I'm working on a book report about how time travel is possible. It's going to be brilliant!"

Bruce laughed. "First of all, time travel is fake. Besides that fact, it's winter break. You shouldn't be doing homework!" Bruce declared.

"It's not for school. I hope that the report gets me into Lex Luthor's school of Academia." Tim replied. "Plus, time travel isn't fake! It just needs to be discovered!"

"Lex Luthor's school of Achademia? Why would you want to work for that loser? He can't beat up Superman like I can!" Bruce exclaimed.

Tim didn't have the heart to let Bruce know that Superman was only pretending to be weak around Kryptonite because Superman felt bad for Bruce. Bruce didn't have any superpowers, while all the other Justice League members did. The Justice League only let him join because Bruce had so much money and would provide them with "pizza Fridays."

"I just wanted to let you know that we are having a superhero themed masquerade party tonight. You can wear your Red Robin outfit if you'd like. Or, you can wear Jason's old Robin outfit." Bruce suggested as he began heading towards Jason's room.

After he made it to the room, he knocked lightly. He didn't want to open the door because he was afraid of what he might see. Especially, after the Alfred/tissue incident.

"Who the fuck is it!?" Jason yelled.

"It's Bruce. Is it clear to come in?"

"Sure! Let me cover up. I don't need you drooling over my naked body, ... again!" Jason yelled while covering up.

Bruce walked into the room. He noticed that Jason was sleeping on a bed that looked just like the Batmobile.

Bruce complimented Jason. "Excellent craftsmanship on the bed, Jason. It looks just like the Batmobile. All the way down to the tires and Bat-rims."

"Thanks! What do you want?" Jason asked. "I have some studying to do." Jason declared while gripping his laptop.

"Wow! You boys sure love doing your homework during Christmas break." Bruce made mention. "We decided to go with your idea, and hold a superhero themed masquerade party for tonight's New Years Eve fundraiser."

"Sweet! Do you mind if I invite a couple of my friends over? We will probably hang out in my room until we do the countdown." Jason asked.

"I suppose so. But only a couple. I'm sure Dick will invite a couple members of the Teen Titans. Heck, I might even have a couple members from the Justice League stop by. Tim will probably invite his mom, since he still has one of those. We are going to have some very wealthy people over tonight. We want to set a good example for Gotham." Bruce insisted. "So no sneaking alcohol!"

"Of course Brucy baby! I will be a perfect angel! I swerr!" Jason declared.

"Great! You can wear your Red Hood Robin costume if you'd like. Or, you can wear your outfit from when you were younger." Bruce suggested as he left Jason's room.

As soon as Bruce left the room, Jason got on the phone. "I'm going to need those three strippers tonight after all. Make sure they are dressed up like police officers."

**9 PM**

Guests began pulling up to Wayne Manor in their luxury cars. As they began ushering into the Manor, they would say "Hi, Bruce!" Even though Bruce was already in his Batman outfit. "Where is your Boy Wonders?" Some guests asked.

"I'm not sure what you are talking about. Are you talking about Dick, Tim, Jason, and Damien? Because I wouldn't call them Boy Wonders. Maybe Boy Blunders! HA HA … am I right?" Bruce asked in a playful manner.

The guests were dressed up in many different outfits. At least five men dressed up like Superman and the Flash. A few of the women were wearing Wonder Woman and Catwoman outfits. Bruce was surprised nobody else was wearing a Batman outfit besides him. There was even a few guys wearing Nightwing and Robin outfits.

**10 PM**

The party was kind of lame. Everyone was doing exactly what Bruce thought they would be doing, as they were discussing politics and business deals. Finally, some of the Justice League and members of the Teen Titans showed up. Superman decided to dress up as Shazam, Wonder Woman decided to go as Black Widow, and the Flash showed up dressed like Green Lantern. Most of the Teen Titans dressed up in their own Superhero outfits. Raven was with Beast Boy. Hawkgirl and Starfire also made an appearance. Jason's friends finally showed up. There were three girls dressed up in police uniforms and a couple other guys dressed up in a Riddler outfit and a Two-Face outfit.

**11 PM**

A couple of the fake Supermen were drunk. They noticed Shazam wasn't doing anything. He only seemed to be trying to stare through the women's clothing. The drunk Supermen decided to approach him.

"What's up, Shazam?" One of them asked in a snobbish way. "Shazam is GAY! HA HA HA HA HA!"

"Look fellas, obviously you men have had a little too much to drink. Perhaps you should call it a night." Shazam said.

"Fuck you! SHAZAM! You are a pussy! If the real Superman was here, he would kick your ass! Maybe I oughta kick your ass for him!" The other drunk Superman said not knowing he was actually talking to the real Superman.

"Thank you! I will simply take that as a compliment. Now, I would be more than happy to call you guys a cab." Shazam said.

"I'll tell you when I want you to call me a cab! But, for right now, I'm gonna keep drinkin', But, before that, I'm gonna kick your ass!" The drunk man said while throwing a punch at Shazam.

Shazam watched as the fist came at him in slow motion. He could tell people were watching the altercation, so he decided to let the drunk man hit him, then act like he was hurt.

POW! Shazam's head spun around. Then, he acted like he was feeling dizzy. "Please don't hurt me guys. I am just here to have fun."

"I told you Shazam was a pussy!" One of the drunk men said as they both walked away to harass some of the ladies.

Batman walked over to Shazam. "You want me to kick them out? I could call a cab, then pay the driver to park on a railroad track."

"Why? So your bitch ass can leave the party, then act like you saved them. Forget it. I will deal with them later." Superman/Shazam said.

"Hey! You shouldn't talk to me like that! Don't forget I have that Kryptonite ring! I'll have your ass down on your knees, then let those drunk assholes kick your ass for real!" Bruce declared.

"Oh no … please, not the Kryptonite ring." Superman said in a very sarcastic voice.

Suddenly, Green Lantern/Flash appeared out of nowhere. "What are you guys talking about?"

"Batman was just telling me how he was going to make me bow down to the kryptonite ring." Superman replied while looking at the Flash with a grin.

"Oh no … not the Kryptonite ring … HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!" They both started laughing.

Batman walked away because he wasn't sure what they were laughing about. He looked around for Dick, Jason, Tim and Damien. None of them were around. He figured they decided to hang out in their rooms with some of their friends.

**11:59 PM**

Everyone awaited for that countdown to midnight.

"10! … 9! … 8! … 7! … 6! … 5! … 4! … 3! … 2! … 1! … Happy New Year!" The guests yelled as confetti fell and the reflective ball lowered down.

Suddenly, the two guys that were dressed up like Riddler and Two-Face came running down the staircase with gerbils in their hands. They were being chased by Nightwing and Red Robin holding steel pipes. Then, moments later, the three girls that were dressed up as police officers came running down. Jason Todd was standing at the top of the staircase dressed in a Batman outfit. He shot out a grappling hook towards the chandelier, let out a Tarzan roar, then swung down into the crowd.

"Happy New Year!" Jason yelled. "I'm Batman!"

Jason caught up to the women dressed in police outfits, then ripped their clothes off. Stripper music began playing, and black lights took over the room. The strippers began dancing while taking the rest of their clothes off. The drunken Supermen began throwing dollars at them. The Green Lantern stood there with a boner as if it were the first pair of titties he had ever seen. The real Superman didn't even realize they were taking their clothes off because he was already staring at everyone with his x-rated vision. Wonder Woman stood there licking her lips as she eye-balled one of the strippers that resembled Selina Kyle. Raven noticed Beast Boy staring hard at the strippers. So, to make him jealous, she walked up to Nightwing, then gave him a kiss. Nightwing dropped his steel pipe, then Raven felt another pipe grow in Nightwing's pants. Tim saw what was going on, then went back up to his room pouting. Bruce decided to go up to Tim's room and comfort him. Damien stood there shaking his head.

"It's 2020 Bitches! Batman is getting some pussy tonight!" Jason yelled as he danced next to the strippers.

**6 AM**

Alfred walked through Wayne Manor looking at the incredible mess he would need to clean up. Damien was sleeping next to a barbie doll dream house. He had two completely naked barbie dolls sticking out of his pants. Jason was sleeping next to the three strippers in his Batmobile bed. You could still hear Jason's laptop playing porn on them. Dick, Tim, and Bruce all managed to fall asleep in Tim's bed. The Jason Todd/Robin blow up doll was deflated in between them. The two guys dressed up as Riddler and Two-Face were sleeping on the floor with steel pipes sticking out of their asses. The gerbils were nowhere to be found. Raven and Beast Boy decided to make up. They were found naked in Dick's room. The two drunken Supermen were found hanging dead from the chandelier. They had heat-ray vision holes burned into their chests with a note attached to them that read, "Joker was here." Shazam/Superman and Black Widow/Wonder Woman were half-naked, and sleeping on the roof. They had somehow managed to partly switch outfits. Superman had on Wonder Woman's bra and panties. Wonder Woman was only wearing a Shazam cape and red boots. Starfire and Hawkgirl were found sleeping down in the Batcave in a 69 position. It looked like 2020 was going to be an interesting year.


End file.
